The letter to my ex when I had no choice but to let it rest. 

Dear Brian, 

I want to start this letter out by saying thank you. Thank you for seeing me that night. I needed that, I thought I needed you but in reality I needed to know your smile again I felt so much pain for so long for the way things ended or for the pain I caused you which in turn sliced my heart. Its true about the double edged sword. I’ve learned that you have to give those around you the same love you want back. I want to be loved I want to smile everyday and for so long I just couldn’t I held onto every pain I inflicted on you and those that our circumstances effected because of my inability to be selfless. I can admit boldly I was a selfish girl when I had you I didn’t understand how to love because my heart was confused, conflicted I held onto pain from my past which didn’t allow room for  love to grow with my full ability but I know that NO life is a waste and no pain is forever I know that we are given what we need to be who we are meant to be. YOU are what I needed in that time. YOU helped me with your absence to find myself. I struggled, cried and felt so empty which in turn made me cry out to God and its Him that saved me. I know now that the pain that is meant to destroy us can be used to strengthen us. That the plan that the enemy/negativity has is only as strong as we feed it. I’m sure you’ve heard the story of the two wolves inside of us its an old  Indian folklore but it puts reality into perspective in a relatable way.

An old Cherokee is teaching his grandson about life. “A fight is going on inside me,” he said to the boy.

“It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil – he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.” He continued, “The other is good – he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is going on inside you – and inside every other person, too.”

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, “Which wolf will win?”

The old Cherokee simply replied, “The one you feed.”

I told that story to Zander when he was having a difficult time with his father coming and going from his life. I guess everyone coming and going from his life. His response was 100% the boy he is he said “but I don’t want the other wolf to die.” (He’s a save an ant kind of kid, like me) I spoke with a friend that initially shared that story with me and his response was that the innocence of a child is not to hurt even those that hurt us. That wolf will never die and there will always be conflict within us to do the right thing but ultimately it is OUR choice to make. When you become aware of who you truly are you learn how easy it is to simply step out the door to your own prison cell. It took me three years to get to this point. I’m not 100% better but I’m awake and making the effort. I’m learning what honesty and humility really is. That I don’t have to be fearful of the option of others I have to be fearful of the opinion of myself. Lately I’ve been feeling the high that life brings, without any substance altering it and ive loved it but I also realize that I need to humble myself because feelings are fleeting and nothing lasts forever, not even the good moments. Pain will always lurk and heartbreak is envitable. Death is a guarantee and its something I need to learn to accept. To be humble in my joy and to be humble in my pain to not allow the pain to become greater than what it is, to consume me to turn me into something dark and not who I am. We are all capable of being the light, or stardust as you mentioned. The stars shine bright and force us to look up.

I don’t think I can stop loving you. I can’t put a time frame of forever because forever doesn’t exist on earth. But I can say that I will carry a special place in my heart for you until the day I see the sunset of my paradise. I have a power that’s greater than me that picks me up every time I fall but like a friend I have to
First ask for that help. Like a lover I have to actively seek out what I need to find happiness and guidance I can’t expect my hand to be held if I’m unknown or anonymous.
A counselor I speak with at church told me to read john 5-7 in time maybe you’d be interested to read that. The words become motion when you read it with a broken heart. They become waves that move you. He also told me that the one who remains anonymous IS indeed God, our father. How even those that don’t believe are embraced by his love and compassion. Maybe they don’t see it as Gods love maybe they view it as luck but I don’t think any person is subject to destruction by Him. I know now that it is only our will to self destruct! Not His. To understand a God that forgives ANYONE if they call Him if they WANT to know Him. His grace and gentleness reminds me of my father how he doesn’t push his way but instead waits, patiently and lovingly, wanting us. And its you Brian that showed me how to knock that taught me how to speak and that pushed me into HIS arms and for that I’m grateful for every pain I endured losing us. I trust that the trail I am on is the right one this time. I’m alone but I’m no longer lonely God has filled every void and given me everything I need. I just couldn’t see. I pray that you see yourself through His eyes and see the beauty and passion you hold within that beautiful mind of yours! You are a man of kindness and gentleness and understanding you know how to be self-less and your eyes speak life and your smile turns up any frown. Your smile that night was what I really needed.

I pray that your future is as bright as the moon when its full. And that you show your child the truth about who you are. And lastly

With some resistance…. I pray that the love you have for her overcomes all obstacles and that your heart becomes mended and you are able to create a family out of love and joy.

I won’t turn my back on you and my door will remain open, 3 years or 57 years the time is irrelevant. If you find yourself needing a friend I can keep my word that I will be that woman. You were the one that showed me what true love is.

Thank you!

Love,
Ashlee. 

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